Real Talk

When I woke up this morning, I woke up from a series of dreams about needing to sleep. I mean, I slept through the night, but it definitely had a rather severe knock-on effect this morning. I woke up with a headache, and enough physical pain that I strongly considered a nap in the hopes of avoiding the worst of it. I… I don’t do naps. They end up with me feeling even worse 90% of the time, which is great when chronic fatigue is so brutal on me all the time. I’m honestly not sure how I managed to stay vertical, and I worry about what tomorrow is going to be like. But this? This is life with chronic fatigue. There is actual physical bodily pain, atop the brain fog and the headaches . It’s not a bit of tee hee, up late tired — it’s in the bones, and it’s in the soul, and it keeps getting worse as I continue to exist. It’s certainly a huge contributing factor as to why I didn’t think I would ever get this old. I intend to continue to exist and persist as long as possible, but days like this… they certainly make me wish that I could selectively choose to not exist through the worst of it.

Now, this isn’t a cry for help, or soliciting pity. It is what it is, and it’s a regular part of my life. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone on a permanent basis, though I admit I have my moments when I wish I could put someone in my shoes for a day or to understand just how severe the baseline is. And like, I know that I’m one of the lucky one amongst my friends, because circumstances kindly conspire for me to have a job, and hobbies. I can prioritise self-care if it’s needed, though obviously days like today show that I let stubbornness override that sometimes.

Anyways, enough of that. I managed to get a few things done and stay upright, so today was a victory. I’mma go celebrate that now by doing things that require less thinking.

<3