No Looking Back

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Okay, this is me attempting to come up with something clever that looks like it goes with the picture I took, but I’m stretching it a bit thin. Mainly, I wanted to show off my wad of hair wrapped around a tiny stick, as well as the top I’m currently wearing. It’s one of my handknits, and was done in Cascade Tivoli. It’s a nice thick garment, and it’s a wool silk blend, so I get to feel all fancy for wearing it. 🙂

But I guess I could comment on the concept of not looking back. Growing up in an unhealthy environment meant that I clung on to things I should have let go, like expecting to have healthy relationships with people in my past who weren’t healthy people to have relationships with. Most people are generally so blithe with the whole ‘let it go’ mantra, not realising how insulting it is to those who have traversed through hell and have come out of it not so well themselves. I know for myself, it took a long time before I let myself go forward and not let the things behind me hold me back any more. And while there were lessons to be learned along the way… well. I’m not really sure where I am going with this, if I’m honest. I do know facing forward has done me a load of good though.

I got slammed with a raging headache a few hours ago. Water and paracetamol and tea have taken the edge off, but it’s pretty bad. But it was also like, can I master this without taking pain relief? When one’s default state is pain, or at least that MY default state is pain, I try rationalise myself out of taking things that would make my situation better. I know on some level that’s stupid, but also, I want to save it for when I ‘really’ need it… as if sitting here hurting to move and shooting down my back as a bonus wasn’t reason enough. On the scale that is used for chronic pain, I tend to fall on a 7 most days. Even if I’ve been pushing a 9 today, I talk myself out of it. After all, I can still make myself do things, so it can’t be that bad… right? But I guess it’s like when you’re used to anything — you can tell yourself it could be worse. Suffices to say, I’d not wish this on anyone.

That’s about it for today, really. I did get some work done, for which I am grateful. Now I’m hopefully gonna get some knitting progressed.



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