Contradiction

I don’t know what the deal is with the atmosphere right now. Ambiance. Whatever the right word is. Everyone else seems to be finding it melting hot (to include my bar of chocolate), but I’m not feeling it? It might be that I’ve got my ceiling fan on high and it’s doing its job admirably. Still. You’d think with the relative humidity being as such that the bits of rain we’ve gotten have been sort of grudging on the part of Mother Nature that I would be suffering.

I did suck it up and get my sewing finished this morning, so the cardigan is declared done. I had Z pull at the buttons/snaps to make sure they’re as secure as I thought they were and he agreed it was good. So really, slap a label in it, and it’s done-done. I wasn’t too sure about the buttons before I started putting them on, but once they were all in place I was reassured that it was a good match. I just hope that my sister and her husband like it for their little one to-be.

And, naturally, I’ve started on the next part of the set, which is the hat. If I quit dicking around and letting the ADHD drive me all over the place, I might actually be able to knock it out tonight. Having said that, I’m only an inch along and it’s supposed to be 5 inches. We’ll see. At least having this done and dusted means one less distraction (though being me, I’ll just find another one).

Speaking of the ADHD, let me take a moment to bitch. When I was younger, I’m pretty sure that I was a pretty cut and dried case of hyper. I couldn’t stop moving, etc. Now I’m a clear case of inattentive; most women with ADHD get more and more inattentive the older they get. Just like most women don’t miraculously ‘heal’ from it upon growing up like most males reputedly do. Now, add that with a country that seriously wants to pretend ADHD doesn’t exist (even if my psych thinks otherwise/agrees with me and is fighting to get me diagnosed/treated properly)….

It’s just, I have seriously and severely fallen off of the inattentive cliff. I leave the car in drive, I leave fresh meat out to be not so fresh, I forget to change nappies, I completely blank out when people are talking to me (though I’ve done that last one for years). I’m frustrated because I feel like I’m becoming a danger to myself and my kids and I can’t get looked at or medicated without referral to London. It makes me wish that I was a bit less spineless and willing to risk fishing around online to find drugs for it. I know they work from high school; I wasn’t on a prescription, but I had a friend who handed his meds out like candy. I was suddenly alert and hella focused. And not in the destructive hyperfocus way where the rest of the world vanishes from you — actual one thing at a time, unpressured focus. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want that. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to improve the quality of my life, and by extension my family’s life. But then there’s that whole ‘functional passing’ bullshit… ugh.

Right, gonna quit moping about that and go knit. Booyah, etc.

<3